Doctor or Pharmacy Jokes Thread (Everyone Welcome)
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Publius
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A man died and they had his funeral. They roll his casket to the hearse and start to put it in, but they lose control and it starts to roll down the hill. It picks up speed and soon it's flying down main street. It keeps flying down the hill until it reaches the bottom and crashes through the front door of a pharmacy, coming to rest on the counter. The casket pops open and the body inside shoots upright and looks at the pharmacist.
"Hey buddy, you got anything to stop this coffin?"
"Hey buddy, you got anything to stop this coffin?"
Publius
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A man walked into a doctor’s office with a troubled look on his face.
He sat down and said to the doctor,
“Doc, I’ve got a steering wheel stuck on the end of my penis!”
The doctor looked at him with a shocked expression and said,
“It must be driving ya nuts!”
He sat down and said to the doctor,
“Doc, I’ve got a steering wheel stuck on the end of my penis!”
The doctor looked at him with a shocked expression and said,
“It must be driving ya nuts!”
Publius
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An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well”, says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?”
“Who said my Father’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, and had a little vino, and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my Nono’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, Nono couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
“I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well”, says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?”
“Who said my Father’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, and had a little vino, and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my Nono’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, Nono couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
Selfhelp
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Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
Selfhelp
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A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”
“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”
“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
Selfhelp
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When I was young, I decided to go to a medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange letters
‘PNEIS’
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered ‘SPINE’ are doctors.
‘PNEIS’
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered ‘SPINE’ are doctors.
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Selfhelp
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A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies, “Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
Selfhelp
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
Selfhelp
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A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
Selfhelp
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
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