How do you deal with toxic people in your life?

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Sassypat

Sassypat

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Sep 24, 2013
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Hello PR friends!

As an offshoot to the wonderful support everyone game me regarding my MIL's death, I wanted to start a thread asking, "How do you deal with toxic people?"

If I can start briefly, what we did was to keep conversations in the written form so that all parties had a record of what information was relayed to each other. This avoided being accused of lying/saying something that was purposefully taken out of context.

Anyone else?
 
Sassypat said:
Hello PR friends!

As an offshoot to the wonderful support everyone game me regarding my MIL's death, I wanted to start a thread asking, "How do you deal with toxic people?"

If I can start briefly, what we did was to keep conversations in the written form so that all parties had a record of what information was relayed to each other. This avoided being accused of lying/saying something that was purposefully taken out of context.

Anyone else?
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I normally block their phone & email and send a final email
to them saying please don't bother me anymore.
It's effing annoying.

Seems to work.
 
I know people that are just pure angry all the time.

The best way to deal with these toxic cu!ts is simple .

Just pretend your angry when speaking to them, and they think hey this guys cool. But i better leave him/ her alone they have an anger issue
 
Not making a wisecrack here, just being honest from my own experience. Wait until they are down on money, and loan them a grand or so to "help them out".

That has removed many toxic people from my life. I have a half brother who's price was quite a bit higher, but that's been mitigated by the ones who took a c-note to go away.

Sometimes you just have to give those people a legitimate reason to avoid you.

Sorry to be so cynical.

Kind regards,

mongoose
 
Shayna said:
One silly thing I do is come up with a cute nickname for them to use as code, or in private.

Ex. - I call my husband's ex wife "Buttercup".
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Hahahaaa Shayna, you're funny.;)

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lucyinthesky said:
I'm making a far move away from my family. I can't take them anymore.
Now I know we won't see them for quite some time. They are mean, selfish, don't help in any way. My kids don't even want to be around them and that's saying something.
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Lucy I'm glad to hear that. It's too draining on you to have to tolerate all that they do and say.
I cut a few out-law in-laws out of our lives because I don't want my children exposed to all the meanness and drama. You'll feel very free Lucy.
The fire at your home was a blessing in disguise. I'm sorry that it happened but the outcome is much better for you.

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Oh, one more thought, Caller ID is wonderful.:cool:
 
Inspector Lewis said:
View attachment 30719

Hi,

I always thought this was a very appropriate way of explaining and dealing with negativity and 'toxic people'

Regards

Lewis
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Good post. Totally agree. Stay away from toxic people; do not let them into your life through emails, phone, in person, as you will always come away either sad, angry, frustrated, guilty, or depressed. I know from experience that allowing these sorts of people close to you gets you accustomed to them, and then you end up living a life filled with bizarre co-dependence where much of your time is eaten up in negativity as you tiptoe around them. Only when you toss 'em do you realize how much of your life you were WASTING on rotten people when there are plenty of good people that you could interact with that will be uplifting to you. But until you jettison these toxic people... it is hard to see just how much of a stranglehold they really have on you, as they creep into your life like a poisonous vine.
 
Lots of good advice here, especially giving a loan to them to get rid of them. I may use that. I usually just avoid them. I screen phone calls so simply don't answer and if I run into them say I have been busy. Anytime I have to meet with someone I expect to be all about themselves and how loud they can be or how much they can put others down I keep a voice recorder in my pocket and turn it on to record anything said. It is strange how such people will say something and then later angrily deny they ever said it. I also have one of those video camera watches but have not used it yet.
 
I agree with the above posts (some are brilliant LOL @mongoose )

It's difficult (or impossible) to completely "cut toxic people out of your life" esp. when one of the Biggest ones is your MOTHER....
(feel very sorry for my father but he made his bed for many yrs and now she's making him lay in it)

Avoid Toxic People? hell yes I do. :D
But it's not possible all the time :(

Coping Techniques, Insulating yourself against their negativity? Good Ideas for those 'toxic' people you can't avoid all the time.
Let's face it - "they" are Everywhere and can't be totally avoided anyway.

I'd recommend the book:
"Toxic People: 10 Ways of Dealing With People Who Make Your Life Miserable" by Lillian Glass
Very Helpful to me.
 
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Well @Saoirse let me also qualify that my technique does not apply to our mothers (I do have a somewhat toxic one). Mothers just get a pass. No matter what they did, regardless of how bad, our mothers did carry us for nine months, and give birth to us.

When it comes to our moms, we enter into this world with a debt to them we can never begin to repay.

Friends, acquaintances, relatives just not our mothers. And I get "written off" by my mom for stretches of five years or so whenever I disagree with her (I never know what I've done to anger her, she just disappears). I love her but her mental ailments are not my fault (but I can not be angry because they are not her fault either) .

But I do answer the phone when she comes around, which she always does. I would not like to lose my mother with unresolved issues. That's one of my biggest fears.

Kind regards,

mongoose
 
@mongoose - I like your attitude especially with forgiveness and lending money to screen out toxic people.

However, I respectfully disagree with where you say we have a debt to our mothers that we can never repay.

No one asks to be born, and I believe that respect and indebtedness is a 2-way street. For example, my mother drank and smoked while she was pregnant with me, and then planned to get an abortion. She was stopped (this was 1968 after all) and put under lock and key until she gave birth to me. Our relationship went from bad to worse at that point, as one can well imagine with that kind of beginning.

I tried to respect and endure my mother for a long time -- both my parents really. When I became of age, I left my hometown and rarely even returned for visits. I then cut off contact after writing them a letter of my expectations of behavior (that they were not meeting) -- things like not yelling, not hitting, not getting drunk in my presence, etc.

As for fearing an unresolved status upon their death -- I do not feel that way -- I feel I made my decision and resolution to live with it over 20 years ago. I guess in a way, it was like grieving their deaths.

This may not be right for everyone, but I just didn't want to discount it as a viable choice either if someone really needs to protect themselves from a toxic parent or other person.
 
@mongoose.... I choked on laughter about the lending money idea. That is priceless!!!!!

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@Shayna I have a friend whose mother was so bad that the only way she could survive was to completely cut off contact with her. I am the type of person that will let someone stab me in the back, then turn around so they can get me in the front as well. If it is the only way to have peace, then sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
 
With All Due Respect (and much agreement) to @mongoose and people who Can resolve their problems, or have any chance of it, I wish you all the best and hope it works out in the end, as it does for some.
(I helped many do so when I worked Oncology/Hospice; extremely rewarding)

Some of us, unfortunately, Know we will "lose" our mothers and be left with unresolved issues.
Not because We want it that way. Because our Mothers make that choice for us....
We must just learn to live with it, whether we like it or not.
We only control our attitudes and actions.

As a nurse/therapist, a mother/grandmother with mental health issues myself (many cuz of "Mommy Dearest") I Did Not Abuse ANYONE'S children or grandchildren, Instead Worked Hard to Break Cycle in my family - I 'know' her mental issues and personality disorders very well. Too well. But I'm Not Giving Her a Pass.
No ill-will in my heart.
I'm just learning Indifference toward her.
She can't reach me anymore to hurt me... physically, emotionally, spiritually.
I'm transcending her and that situation, all my futile attempts to love her, or 'win' her love (?) that should be natural,
the eternal conflict and drama she creates (and doesn't want resolved for ? reason)
I believe almost 60 yrs is long enough to fit the definition of 'insanity' for repeating myself.
I want higher and better things in my life, or nothing at all.

But that's just me.
Having raised 2 sons, a foster child, and a grandson, mothers should be held to a Higher standard IMHO.

My 2 cents, and worth less than that due to inflation.
 
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Well @Shayna I don't see as we actually disagree that much. Your wording, that you came to terms with it, is in a manner of speaking a form of forgiveness. Doing what is best for you and you health comes first. Perhaps I came across as trite and insensitive and I am sorry if I did. I have to remind myself of this all the time, it certainly doesn't come naturally.

I have a real hard time and often do not practice what I preach.


Now the loaning money on the other hand.....

Kind regards,

mongoose
 
I have various ways, traits and tricks that usually have a proven track record depending on the Toxic Individual I'm having to deal with..Too many to mention or think of. Many different genres and ways of dealing with the individual(s). Even though they are Toxic, you have too approach the situation and Toxic individual in different ways. Some we can't get ever get away from sometimes until one of us expire. So you play the game with a smile and a gleam in your eye.

A good punch in the face or flatulence are good ones...although short-term. Except the punch in the face...That has worked long-term for me before...or a scary, very serious rant with a wild look in you're eyes with drool coming off your chin in their face scares the bejeezuz out of 'em, works as well.....They keep their distance most of the time. I don't recommend that stuff though. I've retired. I'm a kinder, gentler Soul. Peace.
 
I cut off all contact. Esp if it's a family member.

It doesn't matter if they live in the same city as me, or nearby, or they are on the net.

I will be done with them and that will END of it.

It wouldn't be something that I WANT to do, but pushed into a corner, and it's the only resort after ya tried anything else, then it needs to be utilized and it VERY effective.
 
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