How do you deal with toxic people in your life?

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I recently read an article online about the trend of younger generations are quicker to cut out toxic family relationships. The author attributed this to society’s changing definition of abusive behavior (to include emotional abuse, gaslighting etc.).

I myself don’t speak to my siblings and it’s less drama, but it still hurts. Ignoring people doesn’t erase the memory of that person from your mind. If you ever did value the relationship you’re cutting off, you will still mourn the loss.
 
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For extremely toxic people in my life ,I will block them on all socials ,phone , and cut any personal contact from my life. This is easy for me since I am an ambivert and don`t reach out to people that I like very often .
 
I have cut them off completely. I don’t care if it’s family or friend. As I have gotten order I have very less social skills and more of an introvert. At first I started to feel bad by cutting people off or ghosting them. It’s the best thing I have done. Unfortunately can’t do that with coworkers but the difference is I get paid to be nice to them. But on lunches or breaks I don’t have too be.

I have been told ghosting people is wrong or hurtful. Sorry I don’t care If it is or not. If people now in my life don’t bring me joy or doing a hobby or activity with them. I really want nothing to do with me. As you get older your circle gets smaller.
 
I’ve never been able to figure this out. I grew up pretty isolated so I never really learned how to distinguish a good friend from a bad one. Now as an adult I’m still struggling. This year has been really rough because I had to separate myself from several people who I’d thought to be the type of friends I’d finally be able to see life through with. I feel so lonely and have no idea if I’ll ever have true friendship again. I worry that at my age making the kind of friends that will answer your call at 2am, or spend the next 20 years with me, is super unlikely. I’m sure I’ll make friends again but I fear it’ll always be shallow, especially with how broken my trust has become
 
Sabrered0901 said:
I have cut them off completely. I don’t care if it’s family or friend. As I have gotten order I have very less social skills and more of an introvert. At first I started to feel bad by cutting people off or ghosting them. It’s the best thing I have done. Unfortunately can’t do that with coworkers but the difference is I get paid to be nice to them. But on lunches or breaks I don’t have too be.

I have been told ghosting people is wrong or hurtful. Sorry I don’t care If it is or not. If people now in my life don’t bring me joy or doing a hobby or activity with them. I really want nothing to do with me. As you get older your circle gets smaller.
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Personally life is way too short to extend time and attention on folks who bring someone down. Good for you!

I find the opposite true as well. I have a group I hang with to play pickle ball and do other activities with. They live further away and that’s the only drawback - the drive. But they are all positive people with pretty happy lives and definitely give off positive vibes, imho. Their lives certainly aren’t without problems but they are basically successful and happy folks and it’s so uplifting to hang with folks like that.

@Karmakitten. I think as you age and get more experience you get better at recognizing the early signs of the “good” ones versus the ones who will bring you down. I do tend to judge folks by how they are living their own lives. If I admire what they are doing I’m usually more likely to be interested in trying to be friends. If someone needs a lot tho, I tend to steer clear. Needy folks who are kind of looking to fulfill themselves with other folks energy is usually a toxic sign, imho. 🤔
 
Since the most toxic person in my life just took her own life I'm living with the guilt of cutting her off several times. I hate myself right now BUT I know it was the best thing for my own mental health. There was only so much of myself I could give.

I've no regrets about divorcing my narcissistic husband who abused me mentally. He deserved being kicked out of my life and I'm much better for it

Basically I just don't think it's healthy to take on other people's drama as your own. It's up to those toxic people to grow up or get out.
 
Veejur said:
Since the most toxic person in my life just took her own life I'm living with the guilt of cutting her off several times. I hate myself right now BUT I know it was the best thing for my own mental health. There was only so much of myself I could give.

I've no regrets about divorcing my narcissistic husband who abused me mentally. He deserved being kicked out of my life and I'm much better for it

Basically I just don't think it's healthy to take on other people's drama as your own. It's up to those toxic people to grow up or get out.
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I know words won’t fix your feelings but I’m quite certain you cutting off your friend (for very valid reasons I’m sure) really wasn’t the cause of her choices. And if you could’ve fixed her issues I’m also quite certain you probably would’ve. No one fixes anyone else. And anyone who makes us feel like they need us to fix them definitely fits the description of toxic.

@Veejur - I do hope you’ll perhaps talk to someone versed in suicide if you can’t shake the guilt and anger at some point. They are really natural responses but again- don’t let her choices ruin your mental health. You just aren’t responsible!! 🙏❤️
 
Earlier in life, I would almost surround myself with the worst most negative people that exist. It was so stupid, but I guess I thought I was lonely. Such a weakness. Only now in maturity I've become a loner and have no close friends. i have few friends locally, like two online friends, but that's it. I have a need to be alone. People completely freak me out. I'm very lucky to have the solitude that I do have, am greatful
 
Just Alex said:
Earlier in life, I would almost surround myself with the worst most negative people that exist. It was so stupid, but I guess I thought I was lonely. Such a weakness. Only now in maturity I've become a loner and have no close friends. i have few friends locally, like two online friends, but that's it. I have a need to be alone. People completely freak me out. I'm very lucky to have the solitude that I do have, am greatful
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I actually crave solitaire quite a bit as well. Being too social can be exhausting. I take two vacations a year for about a month at a time - just me and the dog. For some folks , solitude is required to recharge, imho, and I’m one of them.

I do believe it’s good to have a few folks, whether friends or family who you trust and can call upon in difficult situations for help or just a shoulder to lean on. But I also found a lot more confidence in myself when I had to deal with stuff myself (and successfully did so.). I had such a lack of confidence in myself when I was young but just getting out in the world and finding some self reliance was extremely helpful for building that self confidence.

It’s also very helpful to start being kind to oneself. All the Buddhists preach that and I find it very helpful to stop criticizing myself so much and instead, think of myself with the same kindness and non judgement that I try to apply to other folks I care about.

Boy this could go on and on, but it’s an interesting topic. We all are usually wrestling with some part of these problems - at least everyone I’ve met anyway…🤔
 
Just Alex said:
Earlier in life, I would almost surround myself with the worst most negative people that exist. It was so stupid, but I guess I thought I was lonely. Such a weakness. Only now in maturity I've become a loner and have no close friends. i have few friends locally, like two online friends, but that's it. I have a need to be alone. People completely freak me out. I'm very lucky to have the solitude that I do have, am greatful
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We are very much alike in those issues. I have only a few friends, mostly because my very best ones have passed away. It's taught me that being extra considerate of their feelings and also being as supportive of them as I would want them to be, is very important. I'm also sort of a loner at heart tho since I was a kid, so alone time is natural and just part of it for me. Like @jaders, just me and the pup sometimes. It sounds like you went thru quite a process with friends as you grew up. I don't know if being lonely is a weakness, but I suppose it could be seen that way if continually makes you feel bad. I'm glad you have evolved into someone that appreciates their solitude. 🪻 🌸🍁
 
Man, I learned my lesson (again?) on Wednesday. A completely toxic and negative (rude) colleague. I had firmly placed her into ‘work. ONLYwork, block her number etc’ category, because she’d had me before. I’ve known her 7 years.

So Wednesday I was delivering some fairly specialist (but routine) training at my boss’s instruction, only to have her ignore, then heckle, then interrupt me with simplistic questions she knew the answer to. She sat at points with her back to me, ridiculing. I had only recently let her ‘back in’ because she is going through a family health crisis, and because I am too, I felt sorry for her. She asked to chat etc and I’d been chatting occasionally about our common ground. Then Wednesday. I’d forgotten what an embittered, jealous, negative bitch she is, and now she’s reminded me. Good. Done.

My boss apologised to me later, but she can’t handle her. I can.

Don’t let such people pollute your thoughts and steal your time. They are not your problem. They’re horrible. ✌️😘
 
Karmakitten said:
I’ve never been able to figure this out. I grew up pretty isolated so I never really learned how to distinguish a good friend from a bad one. Now as an adult I’m still struggling. This year has been really rough because I had to separate myself from several people who I’d thought to be the type of friends I’d finally be able to see life through with. I feel so lonely and have no idea if I’ll ever have true friendship again. I worry that at my age making the kind of friends that will answer your call at 2am, or spend the next 20 years with me, is super unlikely. I’m sure I’ll make friends again but I fear it’ll always be shallow, especially with how broken my trust has become
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I feel this. Over the past years I had two friends who I thought were best friends betray me in some way and of course we no longer speak. I no longer have best friends or even close friends. My family is isolated from me (long story), my husband and I have a relationship that would probably make for a good soap opera, and the only others in my life are coworkers and we all know what happens when you make friends with THOSE folks. So I'm alone, and I likely will choose to remain so. Been burned too many times to let new people in. I'm also OK with being alone. I'd rather watch a good movie, take a walk with my dog, read, or even sleep than deal with other people's drama, BS, or judgmental attitudes. As the saying goes, I can do bad all by myself.
 
Karmakitten said:
@heavymetalviolet I’m glad you’ve made peace with it. I still cry like a lil baby about it. At the end of the day I’d rather be alone than in a toxic friendship, but I don’t want to be alone. I hope I can find contentment in it one day.

Ps I like your username
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Thanks! I won't lie; it took me a LONG time to find that place within myself. From time to time I do miss friendship (for instance, Halloween just passed, and one of my friends used to go with me to visit a haunted house or two and have laughs about it). I also miss having people to go do stuff with since hubs isn't interested in many things I like (I love metal, for example, and he has zero interest in that kind of music or shows), so having a sidekick of either gender would be awesome for this. It can be hard to go to some of these things alone as a woman at times, but i do what I do. On the plus side, I do have a lot of "acquaintances" I know in passing, and many of them will generally show up at these events frequently, so I have that going at least...and since I'm a "free agent" when out and about, I can hang with them, have fun, and leave when I want to instead of waiting for whoever I came with to also want to leave (or, on the other hand, have to convince them to stay if they want to go before I do). So there's that.
Thanks on my name! I opted to blend a few things I liked and it became my moniker :) I felt it fit.
 
@heavymetalviolet 2023 I was single for the first time in a long time and went solo to a show. I talked to so many people and forged new connections. Got into a relationship shortly after and haven’t had that experience since, but I liked it so much. I don’t blame my partner, I have at times successfully maneuvered being single and alone at a function, but when I have a partner I get complacent. I’m trying to break that cycle and your reply reminds me of the importance of it
 
Cut them out is the best advice I can give anyone. It tool me years to learn that
 
I’ve limited my exposure to them. Instead of letting them have free access to my presence, I’ve taken my power back and I now pick which times I see them as I need to see them once in awhile to keep the peace in the family as this person will be a part of my life for the time being. I used to visit every week but now it’s down to maybe one visit every 3 months. It works for us and it also tells that person they cannot threaten your peace with their toxicity any longer and that you are standing up for yourself and won’t allow yourself to be treated in any toxic way with any kind of disrespect.
 
Hi. This is the closest I get to "social media", as well as the occasional letter to the New York Times. I'll be 72 in March. I've crafted a small world for myself and my cats. I don't discuss politics, religion, or any other hot button trigger issues. During Covid lock-down I saw many family members become obsessed with conspiracy theories and seem to feel a passionate need to tell everyone what they thought. I drove for Uber and Lyft and kept my mouth shut. The rest of the time I caught up with my love of science fiction and fantasy.
I consider all salespeople toxic to some degree. Lately I was getting deluged by Medicare Advantage companies. Now I only answer my phone if the number is in my contact list. I'll glance at text messages and e-mails from unknown sources, but generally that's as far as I go. And yes, I do get lonely at times, but I know several cases of people who seemed to have many friends yet committed suicide.
So basically, you could say that I am alienated and isolated by choice.
 
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